empathy poker with a police officer

I was present for something amazing during a workshop on Nonviolent Communication led by Nancy Kahn at the Alameda Point Collaborative, a place of transitional housing for families receiving various social services.

Three people, aged fourteen to sixteen, joined me outside for a small group introduction to guessing needs using NVC based feelings and needs "Grok" cards. A man wearing sunglasses in a black uniform with a badge saying "Alameda police" approached; we were within earshot of the still running engine of the vehicle he left. One of the three students walked in the opposite direction saying "I hate the police".

She returned, and the officer said something I remember as: "I'm offended." I asked if he would be open to participating in an activity with us where we would ask what was important to him. He selected a feeling of "concerned", and the three teens and I asked questions such as "Are you feeling concerned because you need appreciation?" The student who left and returned chose a format of just guessing the need: "Is your need for competence involved?"

Needs cards he picked up from the guesses laid at his feet included being seen for who he is and acknowledgment. He wanted us to know that he received an award for valor for facing a person with a gun in response to a 911 call, and that he would rush in and risk his life to help us if we called 911.

He guessed that the person who walked away may have had a tragic experience with a law enforcement officer. He said "I get that there are bad cops; I know some. But isn't it like racism to just judge me. Is this process worth it, can't I just say I want you to be more open-minded?"

After more reflections and needs guesses, I asked if he had a sense that we heard what was important to him, and he said "I can't know that, but I hope so."

Six minutes into our nine minute visit, he removed his sunglasses. He told me, "Whatever book you read is a good book." I gave him my business card, and he handed me his. I said that my need for hope and inspiration was met because I had a sense that people tapped their courage to start building a bridge of connection across differences in age and structural power.

During my stay with the San Quentin Teaching Team, I remember a vague wondering of how to better support returnees and their families. Now, through a different entry point, I have met more people with family members living in prison. In just three days thusfar, I have had multiple and various experiences of inspiration and hope. I’m looking forward to three more days of contributing through NVC coaching /empathy support/ leadership development in Alameda next week, and we are exploring possible continued support.